End of 2017, Hello 2018

Finally managed to complete all my Nagoya-Osaka-Kanazawa-Takayama posts on the last day of the year.

This year has been such a tiring, fulfilling, year for me...

1) getting through P6 journey with sadness, tears, anxiety, happiness and relief at the end

2) dilemma in giving up lecturer job at RP

3) embarked back a full time job in HR

4) going through tantrum phases with Ethan, most of the times disappointed with tears..

Thankfully, the year ended with more happiness than disappointment for me. I am definitely looking forward to see more improvements in the boys' behaviors in 2018! And I ought to relax and enjoy like a kid too! 

Taking a break - Good news for the boys

I have been spending some time with the boys on their school work since I started with part-time lecturing. 1 did well for exams but another didn't. I know it's very much dependent on the aptitude of each child so some things cannot be rushed.. If this is how I reason out with myself. A lot of my colleagues in school told me that they had been through the stage which I am going through now and 'warned' me the worst is yet to come! So their advice to me now, is to 'let it go', so no point getting affected by their results after all.

I gathered that if parents were to push kids too hard, learning becomes a pain to them.  Easier said than done, best approach to cultivate self-motivation is to get them interested in each subject. Obviously this is the ideal situation, but how many of us can succeed to get your own child interested in their own studies??? I don't have the answer - or perhaps it's draining to design customised programmes to each child under my care, on top of work, and house chores.

I don't know about other mums who have been spending some efforts on coaching, guiding their own kids on their school work, but I guess I am so done with whatever I was doing. I just need a break for now - how long, I don't know.. till the point when I can find my motivation to gear things up and explore a more appropriate approach, to introduce another learning approach for the boys.

So I suppose this is the best news for the boys... hopefully they get to enjoy their freedom while they can  - for now!

Patience, Endurance and Air

I am getting upset with a fair share of behavioural issues from my boys lately.  Caden has started to want to get things done in his own way. In the past,  I don't have too much of a problem getting him to work on my assignments or getting him to get things done before he rest for the day. Ever since he started his P5 journey,  or perhaps since end last year,  he becomes more complacent,  thinking that he's good enough with his studies and doesn't need to do more to reinforce his understanding.  Especially during this CA1 week, it was so hard to get him to stay focused to do his own revision,  he was easily distracted by stuff he wants to do ( like playing buddy fight, watching TV, or doing his own sketching). I always emphasize to him that he should complete the tasks with higher priority first, before spending time on his own interests.  He will always respond by saying that he already know the concepts so there's no need to revise.. and even when I went through his wrong answers with him, he will defend his own answers with a strong stand and refuse to listen from my perspective (or the model answer's view). I told him that if he's insistent with his own level of understanding,  I hope he can defend his own answers to his teachers should they mark his responses incorrect.

Ethan, on the other hand, started to throw tantrums almost once every two days. He goes on hunger strike during lunch if I don't lend him my phone to watch his you-tube videos. He stops writing his journal when I didn't allow him to use his reward to buy ping pong ball. He refused to eat his breakfast to show his displeasure.  He refused to do my assignments when he doesn't get his sweets. .. so the list goes on.

My ah lou's stand is just let them be- let E starve, let C do badly for his exams and let them take responsibility for their own actions.  I guess I probably cannot expect both of them to be as self-motivated as me when I was young.  These days, I have to take a step back,  learn to breathe more, and to have more patience, endurance and hopefully,  I can get through this nonsensical phase somehow...

My 'me time'

I am fully appreciative of my 'me time'. It's usually the time period when the boys are finally asleep and ah Lou happened to be in bed early as well. For the last 4 days, I got some breather from my boys' mischief as ah Lou had taken some leave this week. It was rather timely as I was already on the verge of tearing my hair off every day with their bickering!

During my 'me time' , I get to munch on my titbits, drink some cold beverage and play some candy crush before I get onto bed. Sometimes I like to catch up on financial news to keep myself updated still (to aid us in better financial planning). I guess this 'me time' also helps me to consolidate my emotions and reflect on areas that I should do better as a mummy and be more mentally strong. Honestly, on an average week, my 'me-time' only lasted at most 2 to 3 hours per week! Although short, it's definitely important to have a 'me time' to go a longer way!

SAHM - 2nd year and counting

Technically I have been a SAHM for almost 2 years. It all started in Dec 2013...

Dec 2013 - 3 months sabbatical leave
Mar- Oct 2014 - Part-time half day arrangement
Oct 2014 - End of part time half day employment
Jan 2015 to present - Start of part time lecturer role

 

I remembered I once blogged about how tough it was to be a SAHM (given the fact that I was still partially employed then .. ). My present role allows me to have more breaks given that I don't need to be in school during school term breaks (which works out to be only 26 weeks assignment for 1 year). After going through 1+ semesters, I am finally more settled with the present lifestyle, I think it helps me to be much healthier as I am hardly sick these days (touchwood!)

Out of the 26 weeks assignment, I have opted to teach 2 days a week, so my children have been getting so much of my attention this year! Being at home for the kids is definitely beneficial, whether we are working on something constructive or even nothing constructive for them! I feel that its the emotional support that can be extended to them at all times. Often, they share what they do in school, or funny stuff that happened to them during school hours. I can also intervene promptly when there are arguments, hoping that sensible talks can help to infuse into their brains eventually.

As for my personal 'mental being', I still miss 'scolding' people, which I often get to do during my banking days =p. It's something that kept me going then. I actually did not thrive on scolding people at work, but rather, the ability to identify issues and resolve them (as a result, you 'scold' people when they were still resistant to changes or were not able to see your point).  Now, I exercise more patience with my students, and be empathetic to their learning paces.

Often, we are caught in a situation where we think about 'the other side' after we have taken our path. I still believe that I will continue to do well in my role in the bank if I had not decided to resign. So this is Life! We have to make hard decisions sometimes at different points. On a flip side, being there for my children with significant reduction in spending power is not so bad after all!

Honestly, if any of my friends are struggling with the decision to take the path of a SAHM, my advice for them will be - Go ahead!

Why I stopped blogging...

It has been a while since I last blogged.. a few reasons:

1) Part-time work
My part-time arrangement with my existing organisation got a bit out of my control. Eversince I was tasked to take back on as a team lead role, I have been working even in the afternoons and evenings when I am back home (so technically these services are rendered to the orgn for free)! I even had to prep myself to write the presentation speeches as I was expected to do senior mgt presentation despite my part-time status.

2) Preparation for my interviews
I have to do lots of reads to prepare for my prospective career switch.. and they turned out to be helpful eventually as I passed those few rounds of interviews.

3) Term 3 exams
I squeezed time to go through conceptual points with the boys during their term 3 exam weeks.

4) Driving
Given that potentially I may need to drive in my next role, I have been taking time to practise every weekend.

Whilst I must say that I have been squeezed for time in the last 2 months, and I honestly think the boys don't have my attention at home, but at least, I am still there in the house for them when they need to speak to me.. it's still not so bad after all. Nonetheless, since I am changing my job to a 3 day work week come Nov, hopefully the new arrangement works out better for the family.

My new little teapot

My hand got scalded by a stove kettle recently and my frugal ah lou bought an electric kettle to prevent the same incident from happening. . Such a sweet gesture

Not that I have not been using a stove kettle all these years.  I am a user for decades but probably I had been too preoccupied with stuff on my mind and held the stove kettle in a wrong angle..

It's good to have an electric kettle (bonus point is the colour of this model). Water gets boiled in less than a minute and we can get a cup of coffee with boiling water in just seconds! 

New help at home

I have officially started my part-time work back in my company since mid-March and before doing so, I went on a mini shopping spree to support the chores to be done at home.

1) Philips Air Fryer
I should have gotten this earlier. Basically it helps to cook food without/with minimal oil and best part of this appliance is - the kitchen doesn't get oily at all (so eliminates the need to mop the kitchen floor everyday!)

 

2) OHM wireless vacuum
After recommendation from my SIL, I decided to give this a try. This replaces the magic clean wiper mop that I used everyday and now the house feels cleaner given that I only need to spend about 15mins to cover the whole house. The good thing about this vacuum is that it's super light weight (compared to the brands I see in Courts/Denki) and requires only a few hours of recharge every 3-4 days. And I get to see the amount of dust and hair in the transparent container (so effectively you know that the house is cleaned). Ever since I started using this, I have cut down the frequency of mopping from everyday to Tues, Thurs and Sat.

Travelling between workplace and back home every single weekday can be very tiring, especially on days that I carry my laptop back home to tidy up some of my work. Frankly, it is not easy to carry out a job which you work on half day everyday. I think it's easier to do 2 full days plus 1 half day ideally to fully maximise the time (in terms of arrangement of meetings) and travelling requirements. So after this 1 month, I have picked up the momentum, and well aware of the drop-dead time I need to leave office in order to reach the school on time to pick up the boys.

To me, every afternoon is like a battle against time. From 2-3pm, I will get the boys to shower, eat lunch, pack school bag and take break by allowing TV time. During this period, I will prepare the soup for dinner, eat my lunch, do a preliminary wash of the children's school uniforms, keep clothes, vacuum the place (where possible). From 3pm onwards, the kids will need my attention in their work, going through the errors with them, practising piano.. plus time in the playground. In between, I will try to steal pockets of time doing my office work. By 6pm, the boys get their free time while I spend the time in the kitchen getting dinner done. So usually, by Friday, my energy level will drop to almost zero and there won't be any home-cooked food for everyone :)

By now, I have a standard list of dishes that I prepare every week, and this makes weekend marketing tremendously easy (and quick). Honestly I don't cook vegetables well before I turned to a full time homemaker. After this period, I have ventured beyond my safe-haven broccoli to do these:

Nai Bai

snow peas with soy beans

Hei Bi Hiam long beans

plus garlic Xiao Bai Cai. I am glad that the boys have started to eat more vegetables (in fact all these vegetables) coupled with my pre-mix multigrain (brown/red/white) rice.
 
And I did these with the help of air-fryer:

honey wings

Fried Wantons

The boys missed these maki for their weekday lunch as I could barely rushed back on time to pick them up from the school in the afternoon. Probably I can make sushi lunch for them again during holidays or on weekends if I am not too worn out.

 

I believe my presence at home has certainly benefitted the boys.. so it's actually for me to balance my passion for work + time at home, in order to keep this arrangement sustainable.

 



Update on life as a SAHM

I must admit that this role is tough,  probably my boss is so spot right about my character.  She shared with me in a few occasions before my departure that I'll not be able to adapt to the life of a homemaker.  Given the level of energy inherent in me, she told me that my boys will be squeezed to the maximum to complete all kinds of assignments planned for the day. Her point is - I am a kind who thrives on getting stuff accomplished and it can be quite stressful for those working with me or for me to keep up with the pace. I didn't quite concur to her observations initially but as I live my role at home, I am beginning to get the vibes from my boys at times.

I thought the energy in kids are much higher than any adult so they can be stretched.  Basically what I have established for them on a routine basis is to pack their school bag, keep me updated on stuff from school,  explain to me on the circulars distributed ( especially many from primary 1), do their school assigned homework, practice piano and work on my assigned homework.  Seems a lot but most of the tasks don't take up too much time. The boys prefer to spend their time talking and playing with each other, laughing over the smallest gesture made by either one and ended up telling me that they needed more rest at home instead of getting down to do any work. I had to adjust my expectations and slow down the pace towards them these days but yet think of another way to motivate them to get those tasks completed - usually with a treat of playing mobile games, a trip to the playground, sweets, having their dinner in front of tv, etc.

Lately I realised that I am getting more detached from social interactions, I don't mingle with the mummies or grannies at the school pick-up point, I don't do small chats with supermarket cashiers and market owners, I only talk to the boys most of the time at home. So I tried going to the library recently to pick up some books and hope to read them to keep my mind occupied. Honestly I don't know how the rest of the SAHM do it or maybe this doesn't even bother them.

Spring Cleaning:

We have to keep this year's CNY to a minimal... but nonetheless, I started doing spring cleaning during pockets of my free time at home since late December.

Am glad that I finally had them all done by yesterday.  What's left for us now is the usual eve of CNY routine, ie, vacuum, mop, change of bed sheets, toilet cleaning and car washing (perhaps I should just clean up all the fans by tomorrow). . Hahaha, still a far bit given this long list to accomplish.. haiz..

Anyways,  I have been asking my boys on a periodic basis if they would like me to get back to work on a full time basis again. They were not supportive of this option and both wanted me to continue to be with them on this arrangement.  So at least I must conclude that they do really like my company afterall ! What I do hope is for the period that I am spending the time with them,  they are benefiting from my presence in one way or another.

My new status

I have been playing the role of SAHM (stay-at-home-mum) for the last 5 days. Still cannot believe that I have actually taken the leap to do this. Somehow we have decided to take this route because of my FIL's current health condition, I guess this arrangement may last for about a year or so.

It's been tough for me to get adjusted to this new lifestyle. My last month in my workplace was still mentally challenging and demanding, spending long hours to get a few decks done for countless management reviews. These few days, my challenge at home was in fact to plan and whip up balanced and healthy meals for the family.

As a result, I turned to ogle at the household appliances, like magic cooker, air fryer, multi-purpose rice cooker and robotic vacuum cleaner.. these are the equipment that can help to streamline the tasks at home in a more efficient manner and in turn, I can spend more time to research on home tutoring and coaching the boys..

Since I had been working in an environment which practise prioritising spend, I have made up my mind to first spend my funds on the rice cooker and magic cooker by these 2 weeks so the essential cooking demands can be addressed. At this point, I just need to read up more on magic cooker and decide on which brand to buy.

Given my usual self to get as many things accomplished as possible, I have also learnt to slow down my pace at home on my 2 boys. Each day, their play time is 2 times longer than the piano practice and assigned homework.. and I guess this routine can continue for the month of December to let them recharge before they hit into the school days next month.

I have somewhat been influenced by Ah lou's belief of valuing frugality and simplicity after all these years. We decided to work on the household chores all by ourselves, and this saves us about $260 per month. I have also learnt to spread out the work in the following manner which can be done even when school re-opens:

1) Monday- sweep and mop
2) Tuesday - Dust tops and iron
3) Wednesday - rest
4) Thursday - Vacuum and Mop
5) Friday - Change bedsheets
6) Sat - Ah lou cleans toilets
7) Sun - rest

Besides the above, I have also progressively started clearing out the cupboards, wardrobes to do some spring cleaning. This week, I have done Ethan's and Caden's sections. I choose to think that this is a good form of exercise for me, and will help to get my heart condition back in the right shape again. And more importantly, I am keen to demonstrate to the boys that things in life should not be taken as granted and they should learn to be as independent as early as possible. Without any domestic help at home, the boys have been told to help out as much as possible to lighten my workload (very much depending on how much they 'teng' me!!)

And of course, the best part of my day is to get into the bathroom after cleaning up the kitchen from dinner cooking and soak myself in Crabtree's lily shower gel.. that's therapeutic..

Am looking forward to the staycation in hardrock hotel in 2 weeks time!

 

My Trial day at home

On one of the Mondays, I did a trial run, for being a SAHM, just for a day. It wasn't quite a real trial for me as Caden had to be in school earlier yesterday morning and I benefitted from having 2.5 hours free being alone at home - catching up on some stuff that I have missed out doing the last few months and resting on the couch, partly from the medication effect (suay that I can even fall ill on my off day)...

Nonetheless, the action got started the moment I picked Ethan up from school. On an impromtu basis, I decided to bring Ethan to the MacDonald's nearby Punggol Plaza upon his request. He was so happy with his treat of Happy meal and finished his whole meal without too much difficulty. On our way back home, he asked if I can be at home everyday for him, right after school.. that's a comforting assurance that at least he will appreciate my presence at home (at this point in time).

At Mac's

Evening play!

Contrary to what most people at my work place has been telling me, that my own children may find it stressful when the mum is 24/7 at home, being the caregiver, and relationships may be strained. I hold the belief that kids may benefit with their mum around at home to nurture them, especially when they are at their early stage of school lives. However, I do recognise that this is not going to be any easy role to play, as patience and trust has to be given to them to make this arrangement beneficial to both the children and mummy who has sacrificed all to be a SAHM.

Nonetheless, I enjoy being at home with the children, getting more self-achievements than what I would have gathered at work..

It's now probably a matter of time when I will do a career switch.

Brave

 

We caught the show Brave today since it has been a movie which I had looked forward to (being a Disney Pixar show), and heard a few good reviews.

 

The movie started with a short film 'La Luna' (aka Moon) which dictates how the crescent comes about. Interesting, they have told the story such that there was a team of 3 persons who were in charge of sweeping the moon each night. What they do is to sweep the shining stars which filled up the whole moon to one side of the moon and eventually a crescent is formed.. Ethan asked if this story is real during the short film.. This short film brings me back to the memories of reading one of the fairy tale stories.

 

Brave is a movie about the bonding between a Queen and her daughter (Merida). The Queen has been trying to groom her into a well-mannered princess while Merida is happy doing her archery on her horse. As the movie plot unfolds, Merida's mum turned into a bear due to a spell which Merida has asked a witch to do so and she eventually regrets her action. It was her repentance which eventually broke the spell and changed her mum back into human (together with her 3 other brothers).

 

Besides portraying the difference in expectations between parents and children, this show tells us about breaking the tradition, and being brave to change our destiny. One last quote from the movie is rather relevant in what I am going true now - 'Some say fate is beyond our command, but I know better.  Our destiny is within us.  You just have to be brave enough to see it'.

 

How true..

 

I have been trying not to think about the potential medical condition these days while waiting for my 2nd review to take place. What I'll probably need is the bravery to handle all that will happen when time comes.

 

 

Decisions

I realised that as I aged, the decision making process seems to have shortened. I grew up in a very independent environment since young. I made my own decision on which secondary school I wanted to attend after my PSLE exams, I made my choice of junior college after the O levels exams and made my choice of courses which I wanted to pursue in the university. Based on my impression, the decision making process seems to be done in a more conscientious manner when I made my first career choice upon graduation, before marriage, buying a house, planning the decor of the house, switching jobs, all during the period when I was in the twenties.

As I progressed now beyond mid-thirties, decisions tend to be done in a swift manner. I have shifted to the tendency of making decisions which goes with my heart, instead of being ruled by the head. Probably so, because, at this point of my life, I have learnt to accept that not all things have to fall into perfect place. There are times when things just don't happen the way you want them to and times when everything just works for you. What matters most, is whatever we choose, we hope to end up happier.

I have made up my mind on something in July and was still affirmative during the month of August. I had a moral obligation and hence decided to execute this task only in mid-Oct. A few incidents happened thereafter:
1) My recent health medical report had shown some negative indicators, which requires me to have a second review
2) personal environment was also pointing negatively to the execution idea

The recent chain of events seem to be signs for me to reconsider my earlier plan to change the route of my life. This point, I have to least have a clearance from the doctor on my current state of health, before making any changes.

Though, honestly, I was surprised with myself for being so decisive on my plan earlier, as it has been a lingering thought to do this for the last few years. There are now too many factors that seems to be stopping me and I will just have to shelf this idea aside for the next few months - next target date of execution will be scheduled to be in end March next year...

Our first PTM at Caden's Primary School

We have to recognise the fact that Primary education should be taken seriously, even at P1, as this is the stage where the school builds a good foundation for the children to progress on their secondary stage.

Caden's first PTM at Mee Toh school happened on the 24th May and we took half day to attend a scheduled 10 minutes session with his form teacher.

The wait was fairly long, although our timeslot to meet the teacher was due, the earlier session with another group of parents happened to be highly engaging. I was thinking to myself.. what's there to be discussed which would have taken half an hour at P1 PTM? (we were earlier at the school 15 mins before our timeslot and had to wait for another 10 mins after our timeslot - so the earlier group took at least 25mins with the form teacher).

Mdm Suzie came across as a warm teacher. She commented that Caden is a shy boy at class, doesn't speak loudly during lesson but able to communicate well with the teachers when need to. He had also played his role as the team lead well in term 2, coming across as very responsible and shown good leadership in his team.

She went on telling us that Caden can be careless in his work (which we are aware too) and would like to see more improvement on that area. When we asked where does he stand in terms of academic, she said "He's average"

AVERAGE?? At the point in time, my heart dropped. Average? Despite us putting in that level of effort with him and he turns out to be average in class? I thought he was doing not too bad, based on the test results that he brought back in term 2.. so at that point, I was thinking, wah, this school's students' standards are really high!

Then Mdm Suzie went on to show us his school portfolio, where they have filed in his compositions (creative writing modules) and show and tell scripts. She then shared with us his test results (which we were aware too) and then said that, " for Math, he's in Band 1", "for English, he's also in Band 1, but at the borderline".. we then found out that actually the definition of Band 1 is the top tier group in his class, so was finally relieved that least, what we have done so far, are on the right track.

His personal portfolio..

As we left the school, ,my ah lou also commented that he was shocked when Mdm Suzie told us that Caden falls under the 'average' category when his test results, we thought, are not too bad.. so her words really caught both of us by surprise. This school really advocate that we need to continuously improve the children's academic standards for their benefit.

Trainers Award

I received my first award in the Bank after almost 11 months of service yesterday. It was an event which I looked forward to (not extremely anxiously) in getting a direct recognition from the Group CEO (which is quite a privilege to me). This is a trainers award (for being a specialist trainer), which was given to staff whom had conducted >7 hrs of training sessions in a year and got a relatively good rating from the participants.

For a period of time, I was quite motivated with a MOE poster that I saw in Raffles Place MRT station. That slogan goes "our teachers make a difference. what do you make?" It hit me because there I was, after a tired day of work, on my way back home knowing that it's going to be an hour train ride, thinking that I have worked so hard, just to have a secured future. Being a teacher, educator, certainly makes much more impact to the generation that is going to take over us. I thought I would probably really try out doing this when I decided to quit this current role.

So, for a period of time, when people asked me, "so, when are you going to rejoin SCB?" I responded that it's not going to happen, if I decided to leave my current organisation, I would have completely decided to exit from the banking industry - and move on to be an educator. (to qualify, perhaps this is my current sentiments, which can be changed again given few years down)

At the ceremony, after the speech from our Group Head of HR, she reminded us that it was not easy being a trainer in our specialised area. To be a successful trainer, one has to have a good grasp of knowledge and be able to pass on the same set of understanding to our fellow colleagues. She recognised the fact that each of us had to put in additional hours to prepare our courses which is required over and above our existing BAU tasks. Her speech was simple, but yet, sent through a clear point that we have helped the organisation in one way or another, to train fellow colleagues and in turn, added value to the organisation.

At that point, it dawned onto me that I can continue with this organisation for now, given that there are so many opportunities to conduct trainings, briefings, and even management presentations, it's a good training ground for me to continue to polish up and gather more conviction that I do like teaching and be able take this as a full time professional role.


As part of the reward for being a specialist trainer, the Bank threw in 2 movie tickets for us to watch 'Avengers' which is a great treat.. And after the show, I changed my superheroic character 'like' from Iron Man to Captain America!

Pillow talk

I'm currently addicted to the local produced drama serial - pillow talk. What got me started watching was a newspaper article which covered an interview with the veteran actress whom I have watched her during my growing up years. The show presented a range of issues that married couples go through on a day to day basis which I find myself relating to them in one way or another - e.g, staying with in-laws, children's education, etc. They have thrown issues on importance of communication, prioritisation of family values. What I like most was a statement made by the unreasonable mum who is slowly entering into a self-actualisation stage and she quoted: it takes years for 2 persons to come together and form a family with children but it will only take a significantly shorter period to shrink the size of a family should one make a wrong move..

How true..

I am always appreciative that my dear ah Lou has been playing his role of a hubby and father well. Despite the nature of my job, there is no single complaint from him on my time spent in the family these years coupled with the fact that he's very hands on with the boys studies and welfare. I must admit that the challenges are plentiful staying with in-laws given that I'm a strict parent and we have many differences on how my boys are to be brought up. Although I try not to intervene with how my mil spoils my boys but at times I do try to put an affirmative stand on the behaviour that should be discouraged. It's not easy. I don't want to put ah Lou in a difficult spot too so I will only intervene in extreme cases. I can't tell for sure whether I will turn out to be a doting grandma in future although my expectations on my boys were set high, as commented by a few of my closer galfriends. Nonetheless, we reap what we sow in life. There are always challenges in all phases of our life. What matters most is who do we choose to move these challenges along with you and I'm fortunate to find a good partner since I knew him 11 years ago..

Joy of fetching

We hardly get to reach home on time to fetch Caden direct from school during the evening time. On one of the Thursday evenings, I managed to rush back home from temple (after returning the favour for blessing my mum-in-law speedy recovery) and got to pick Caden up from school on my half day leave. It's quite heartwarming to see the joy of your child looking happy to see you waiting for him at the school gate when he least expected it..


-in my heart, I wish that father doing his parent volunteering all the best in his enrolment period when his time comes :)

Many many thoughts - Part II

Today, again I was hit by another sarcasim remark at work which could easily trigger my anger point. But I stayed neutral. I got my increment letter yesterday and the rate given was one of the lowest I ever received despite the efforts I put through the last half year (cos it seems the HR policy prorates all new joiners), instead of feeling discouraged, demoralized, I was neutral.

Possibly a chain of events happened this week:
1) I saw a little gal aged 7-8 years dragging a pail of dirty dishes while I was queuing up for my fav chicken rice at a food centre on Sunday. Children of her age are typically either out playing or busy with classes during weekends but she had to help out by working at such a tender age. I was quite affected by the scene and think my boys are really fortunate
2) My long time friend had gone through a terrible period last year and I wasn't there for her as I had not made constant efforts to keep in touch with this group of good old friends. I could have lost her then but thankfully she survived that ordeal and sat healthily sharing with me how quick her recovery had happened. I was really affected for the pain that she has gone through and for the fact that my support wasn't given at that period.

I fear witnessing losing the people around me or seeing them suffer. Most of us are really the fortunate bunch and things are usually taken for granted. I have to count my blessings for each day that is passed..

Many many thoughts..

I'm back feeling the same old guilt again. I remember the last time I felt this was the year I decided to move out of grp CB finance dept in SCB and seems like each time I had this guilt, I will make a career move. I experienced this level of guilt each time I work late ( over a period of time) and when I realized how much I have missed the kids growing up years.

Actually, I'm been placed in a more challenging role this time, with higher visibility to the management and greater responsibility. I believe it's in the culture of that organization that employees are relatively less committed. Actually I think it may be a bit unfair to use the word committed but given the state of my mind I am in now, no other suitable words surfaced out. So the imbalance comes on again when u realised that u are tasked with many key issues when there are a whole army in the background relatively available to fight the corporate battles. Anyways, I have been hovering with the idea of being a stay at home mum since years back but had not executed to date. These are usually the road blocks:

1) can I be a good teacher for my children's school work ? (not certain)
2) would my boys benefit with my 24/7 presence at home ( possibly )
3) can we give up the luxuries of buying books and toys ( the boys will feel shortchanged)
4) can we still eye on non essential stuff like ergonomic desks and chairs for the kids which costs $1.8k per set? (definitely no)
5) can we support a second property as investment (no)
6) will the relationship bet my boys and me be strained with my expectations on them since I will devote all my attention ( depends on my tolerance threshold and their cooperatibility)
7) can I still shop as much? ( definitely no!)
8) will I be envious on friends with better achievements ( no, because it depends on how one defines on the intangibles)
9) can we still keep the car?
10) can we still put the kids in enrichment centers for most subjects ( may not)...

Sigh.. I need a trigger point to give it all up. Somehow, I still cannot get away from the curse of extended working hours compared to the rest of the dept.. I ended up in a role which is currently the boss's focus point for every day!!

To go

It has been decided. Tom I will issue marching orders to my domestic helper. It's just not working out since she had been excused and got herself discharged from her tasks in the last 1 week and we don't have any assurance that the condition(if any to begin with in the first place) will improve in the short term.

My second dismissal in the last 10 weeks.. Broke our maid history record in the koh family line.. Both caden and Ethan have not been very receptive of the maid so least it's not too much of an issue for them.